The Chapter 3.

Chapter 2 Ends…and so ends that chapter that came to define who I am this day. The fear is over, the joys of my children continue but their childhood is over, my homelessness is over, and all devastation and growing pain is over. I now know who I am…I know who is important to me…I love deeply and I enjoy the little things: I’m sitting back in my chair and I’m now wearing my glasses:

Now begin chapter 3.

This is the chapter where I begin living as I wish. Many people refer to ‘struggles’ as the day to day….the trying to get by, and meeting another day to see new challenges and defeating the recurring demons of life. Everyone has these struggles, don’t they? I’ll always have a mortgage payment, a little debt…grass to cut…jerks at work…etc… but how I meet the day-to-day has changed. So much so that it’s time to start Chapter 3. In this chapter, I am joined and I also can LOVE as I wish. Struggles are now with my lover holding my hand and I no longer have to feel alone. My home is a sanctuary where everything is nice, and my lady is the pillow in which I lay my head, and the shoulder on which I’ll cry. I am also that for her, with all of my heart. My friend, my lady, and my buddy. Somehow, my day-to-day has gotten more fulfilling and more exciting. I love life now…and I thank God for her. THIS is what I have missed for years. In this chapter, I will truly live…and it will be in this chapter that I die. There’s nowhere to go from here but heaven itself.

4 Racing Games- A Casual Gamers Review

Let's Rate These 4 Racing Games....

The 4 games are: Project Gotham Racing 4, Need For Speed-Shift, GRID, and Forza Motorsport 3.

Project Gotham Racing 4- I can honestly say I have played every PGR Game made. Project Gotham Racing 2 (for XBOX) was fantastic, and for it's time it had magnificent depth. Racing in that game was fun. But for this one (PGR 4), the whole game is magnificent. From a graphical standpoint, the environments were more beautiful than all the games before it. For an arcade racer, the car models and environments take on such a beautifully realistic look that it's exciting just to play. I have crashed while looking around when I was supposed to be driving. The good things about the game always come first. Racing, even racing the AI (Artificial intelligence) in this game is exciting. The game and it's well crafted frame rates give you an excellent sensation of speed. If you are an average to casual gamer like me...keeping the AI difficulty on bronze is best (levels are steel, bronze, silver, gold)...because it's the most realistic difficulty. PGR's higher levels are challenging, but unrealistically hard. Cyborgs without fear of their lives drive the higher level difficulties. I'm not saying there aren't people out there who can beat the game on gold. I'm just saying I don't have the kind of time to get that good, or the desire to race in an unrealistic manner. I want my games to be challenging, but not stoopid-hard. So I keep it on Bronze and enjoy my 50/50 chance of winning a race. If you are driving with a force feedback wheel, this game is a treat. It's only 19.99 new now...so make haste and get it. On a scale of 1-10, I give this game an 8.7. There's too much menu option and steps to take to get to the good parts... but once you get there, it's all fun!

Need For Speed- Shift- Thank God EA stepped away from the ghetto "reputation points" format and "street creds" scenario to give us a AWESOME game. In my opinion, The NFS series spent way too much time on the urban themes and music...and it ruined the game for people who don't really care for that sort of thing. The "Fast and Furious" era seems to be thankfully coming to an end....and thank god. That whole driving thug thing was getting tiring. Especially if you like just driving.

NFS Shift is a beauty. This is another beautiful game, and (especially if you have the wheel) is closer to being a simulator in the driving department than being an arcade racer. In fact, I'd go with simulator. Environmentally, the most realistic game I have. While driving, you have a choice of several views to choose from, from a drivers point of view (over the hood, in the cockpit, chase cam from behind..etc) And if you choose the cockpit view, it's great. This is because it looks fantastic. The car interiors are EXACTLY like the cars you are really driving. I have seen the inside of many of the cars in the game, in real life, and I can first-hand report that it's accurate. Every car has it's own sound. The track's, trees, mountains, water, everything is beautiful and life-like. The car sorts are many, including production standards like Honda Civics, all the way up to the Bugatti Veyron. The game captures their speed and (presumably) their driving physics in a way that you would expect from driving that caliber an automobile. Even the menu's and ease of the menu selections in this game are beautiful. What I would like to have sen form NFS Shift would be if they presented car packs for sale, instead of selling individual cars using microsoft points. But really, that doesn't matter because making money and getting automobile upgrades in this game is not too difficulty. This game (as a plus) also allows you to adjust the force feedback on your steering wheels to customize to your taste. I have been having the MOST fun with this game. On a scale of 1-10, I give this game a 9. I love this game...it's SO fun, and it makes me feel like such a good driver!

GRID- Codemasters makes this game, so you can purchase cheats to get more cars for it. Being a casual gamer, that is like a chorus of angels to me. Beautiful! I don't feel like playing for 10 hours to win a mid- grade automobile. Thank God this game does that, because it is perhaps the most difficult game I have. Thankfully, adjusting the force feedback is an option..it made it so that I can compete and sometimes win. Without that ability to adjust force feedback, I would have given this game back. BUT...you can. I do have fun with this game. I won't give it back. The cars are pretty cool! I'm not done with it, so I do not know what cars are left...but it's a challenging and pretty game. These days, with the "Next Gen" consoles (360, PS3, Wii..) realistic graphics is a must. This game has stunning graphics, at times jaw-dropping. The sounds of the game are fantastic. This game takes on the "Driving as a Pro" intensity, and takes it to very challenging levels. Game makers that make their AI difficulty stupid-hard really miss the boat on making a game realistic. This game does the AI very well. They do act like they fear for their lives. They do brake when anyone would break and take corners as cautiously as a human. So that makes it fun. It's very challenging, because you are racing GOOD drivers...but it's still fun. This game, though, has a whole necessary "Drifting" section to it. I am only calling it necessary because you have to learn how to drift in order to advance to certain levels of the game. I do not care that much for drifting. Also, it's friggin hard! Aside from that whole drift thing....this game is pretty, and intense. I give it an 8 score. This is because I still say I can drive a Honda NSX easier in real life than I can in the game....and that is the sort of yard stick I use for my simulator games. If it misses the mark, it loses points.

Forza Motorsport 3- THIS was the game I have waited for. And by that, I mean on any console, and by feeling and beauty alone. When I saw the trailers for this game, I thought, "Holy Grail". This game is absolutely beautiful, stunningly realistic, and logical. It's friendly where it needs to be, and unfriendly where it needs to be, as well. Gorgeous car models, and beautiful environments: cascading waterfalls, realistic track physics and turns, car behaviors are wonderful, and it goes excellently with a force feedback steering wheel. I think of this game as "My own personal garage", because I have all of the cars, and I can realistically drive anything from an old cooper, to a Ferrari race car. Hundreds of cars and tracks. THIS GAME is, in my estimation, the reason to buy a steering wheel and start thinking about racing lines, speeding out of corners, braking early, feathering the gas and doing all of the things a driver who wants to drive fast does. Remarkable. I love this game. I like winning when I deserve it and that feeling of accomplishment. I also like knowing I lost because of that mistake on the 4th turn and losing my place as a result of it.....while knowing it was because of me and me alone. In short, I play this game to get better at race driving. I give this game a 9.3

Sleeper Game- RACE PRO- This game didn't get the fanfare and build-up of the other games, but then, who cares? This game is Value with a capital V. Many awesome sports cars and race cars are in this game. But what I like best about it is the car weight and bobbing physics. It adds up to give you the most realistic braking and acceleration feelings you can have in a game. This game forces you to brake when you are supposed to brake, and to speed out of corners to make better times. Good racing lines are a must, and cleanly passing your opponents is completely necessary. The graphics in this game aren't as good as the others, ( a tad better than PS2-ish) but it's still pretty nice. They spent more attention on driving, and physics in this game...so you are not too worried about perfect graphics anyway. I give this game a 7.8 score: Just because it's in a different class than the big kahunas...but still an awesome and (in my opinion) necessary addition to your driving game library.

SO...in my opinion, you are good to go getting these games!

AVOID These games: Sega Rally (pretty isn't always good), and any of the Baja series... (Boring comes in expensive packages)

Love, Chrissy.

The Silent Brass Band

This was a time I looked forward to since 1994. For the past couple of months, child support is over since both of my daughters are 18+ years old.

In 1994...my girls were both day care aged: I was paying almost $ 1,000 per month in support and day care expenses. What would ensue was a remaining income so low that I would live in 5 different spare rooms or basements in a 6 year time span (plus a whole summer sleeping in my car).... The credit report when to crap, debts never went away. Having to work different jobs to stay afloat...and setting up ideal and safe circumstances to spend the weekend with my daughters. My average night of sleep was 5 hours. This was what our so called "Family" law system deemed acceptable for the welfare of the children. A destitute and financially disabled father, living in someone's spare room or sleeping on a couch in a basement as a place for the kids to come visit. (by the way...this is by no means a cut on the places...and the people who gave me this shelter, I am forever in your debt. You gave us a place to be. This is more of a statement about the system)

I avoided bankruptcy...built myself back up as the child support amount decreased by 50 here...50 there....until I got where I am right now: a decent credit score, no bankruptcy's, and I'm finally (at the age of 46) looking for my first house!

Now, if you think think this post is about me and my struggles, it is not. It starts the way it did because in 1995 or so...when I was my lowest, when I was my most frightened and when I genuinely thought I was going to be homeless, I said:

"When all of this is over, I'm going to throw the biggest party ever."

Now...2010: Both of my girls are college aged kids. And believe it or not, I find myself missing the 90's...I miss those years when they were growing up, and visiting me. Granted, the locations for the visits weren't good locations, but it all disappeared when I was alone with them. Many of my greatest memories took place in those spare rooms or basements, or the McDonalds play land....or the parks outside...in the bed with them telling the stories and all of those things we DID have brought on the most beautiful memories.

Sure..these memories would certainly be enhanced if I had a house of my own, or a stable environment: But those are not my memories, they aren't mine. The one's I have are, and I wouldn't replace them for a million dollars. Some of my hardest and most desperate times were in that era....but also too were some of my most beautiful memories; the kinds that defined my life.

So...there was no party. I didn't hire a brass band and start soaking watermelons in vodka. I didn't hire a DJ, and put out a beautiful food spread. There is no real elation, and I don't feel any more 'free' than I did before. I mean, sure...the extra money is going to reinforce my retirement and I'll definitely put it to practical use: But now that I am at this point, I see that all the time, even at the worst, it was proven that money isn't everything. The memories and my life with them stand out with much more prominence than the lack of income, and what I was going through.

The important thing is, that BECAUSE of that, I now sit back and savor my daughters love, and enjoy the relationship with them that we all three built together over those years. Somehow, God finds a way to give even when you feel like he isn't.

Things I seem to notice...

You know....

• When I am riding my scooter and I am doing the speed limit, or slightly slower...the one that comes barreling up on my rear, swerving to try to get around me and shouting at their windshield most likely has a big assed vehicle like a pick-up truck, usually it's an F 150...but it can also be hummer or something. He's usually wearing a tank top, has a mustache, his hair parted in the middle and is wearing aviator-type sunglasses...usually he's 5'7" or less. I can usually call it on the speed of their approach. I don't know why this is, it just happens to be the usual result. It's usually someone whose masculinity seems to be riding on that very moment.
  
• I always wonder if that person riding around Meier in the motorized cart really is disabled, or just big? I know that sounds like a cruel assessment, but I usually notice that they get out of those things and walk just fine. Some need it, but I'll bet an equal amount of them don't.
  
• If that person at work is constantly is cutting down and degrading people when they are not present to hear it, and then pretend to like them when they are around:You can bet your butt that they are doing the same thing to you. This person is poison. Be careful what you say to them.
  
• You know that "intellectual" person that carries themselves like they really are smarter, only discussing things that an intellectual would discuss, and calling people on the carpet to question the depth of their knowledge on an issue in an effort to highlight their own wit and intellect? That person, socially, is doing the same thing as the drunk guy at the bar bragging about the size of his wanker; He knows that no one will really know the real deal, yet, is oblivious about no one really giving a shit. Now how smart is he?
  
• GUYS- When a girl says to you, "Oh, you don't have to worry about Ken, he is like a brother to me"... RUN. Run fast. Run like Bruce Jenner. And do NOT look back.
• GIRLS- If you're out there looking for the the 'bad-boy' type...keep this in mind: Once that excitement has worn off, once he's old news to your friends, and you see that he really is not going to progress for you.....you can't complain- you're the one who was looking for 'bad'. Most likely, that's what you'll end up with. Enjoy your bad boy.

~That's all I have for now.....for now.

It isn't sadness.

My friends, I do not think that at this juncture in our lives that we have very much to fear, or hate, or regret: Or celebrate. We've gotten on the way we always have. Look around you at all the people that want to be with you. The one's that smile, the ones that make your heart light up. There's people around us all the time that add to our very essences....and I have to admit, even I sit here sometimes and thinking "I am getting older...I don't think I accomplished all I should have."

Is that true? Didn't I? If by accomplishments you ask if I am sitting in a brass and oak room with a Beemer in the driveway and 2 tickets to Milano on my nightstand, I say no I didn't. But am I still smiling?: I giddily nod and say "Yes, yes, yes." My life has been full of happiness, and the sweetest of victories. Yours have too. AT WHAT POINT in our lives did we decide that success was measured in beads, when all around us are trophies and memories and pieces of gold and glittering stars all scattered about on the floor in front of us; and are ours to pick? WE DID THAT. Every single fucking smile and hug and nod from fond old acquaintances added nickels of fortune to the ultimate purse. This is what helps us look at ourselves and choose the better between either sadness or elation. If ever you start to feel like you are on the ledge of your very life, and want to derive meaning of the progress of your existence, look no further than who loves you, and who you are.

And be proud, because you have it all.

Holiday- 2049

   What will Christmas be like in 2049?



~2049~ (I'm just going to write, I won't proof read it..LOL)
  The holiday itself will no longer be called 'Christmas', it was deemed socially unacceptable 20 years ago because of the number of different religions that had complained they felt left out by current labels for the time period.  Christmas, by President Musarfa Al Quendeb was made "obsolete" on a federal level, and was called "Holiday".....until 2030, when anti religion activists succeeded in changing the name, because 'Holiday' was what most people actually had to say in place of Christmas (in 2009), and wanted a more "all-encompassing" term for that particular time of year.  The socialist party didn't normally honor voting for such matters, but since it wasn't a matter of national security they allowed voting from the people.  The contenders for the title were "Joy Time", "Work and School days off period", Winters Solstice, Granted Time Allocation and the Nondenominational Winters Solstice Period.    The trick was to make it acceptable for the majority.  "Joy Time" was quickly nipped out, and the first to go...since many were insulted at the very idea we should tell them to feel Joy. They will feel what they want, and should not be told how to feel. So it was gone.    Granted time allocation is another term for 'Break', which took place at work daily, so they felt there wasn't enough to separate the two concepts.   Eventually, since many wanted to be spiritual without crossing the line on the 'no particular deity' rule...decided to go with "Nondenominational Winters Solstice Period"...hoping that it would lead to the legal ability to be spiritually attached to something. 

 Christmas trees were something different. They once stood as symbols of Christmas.  Later, in the early 2000's they would be called "Holiday' trees.  Eventually, the term 'Holiday' (Al Quendeb) was stricken from language, except for history classes, and the symbol itself would disappear so as not to promote the memory of Christmas. The very term 'Christmas' in this age carries the same social weight of dropping the f-bomb in front of a kindergarten class. It's unthinkable to say it in public. Christians were allowed to celebrate their holiday privately, in a single room in their house, and that room must have no windows.  Sounds from that room must not be heard, so the rooms had to be sound-proof.   At no point ever must the images from any religions surface in public view. This was probably because of the riots and the rising cost of grief counseling to the government (the government handles all matters of every citizen, except domestic disputes inside the home).   At a certain point, many activists insisted that pine trees be eliminated from North America because it reminded them of the C-word, but the environmentalists won that battle, pointing out that trees are actually good.   Eventually, the C-word tree was modified several times over the years to appease the various sorts of people, and became the "Solstice Pole".  An acceptable solstice pole must not be made of wood, since that came from a tree. It was made of granite, and was very expensive.  It protruded from a cement base with a hole in it, so it could be taken apart and stored with ease.  When people erected the Solstice Pole one day after "Base Gratitude Day", they would chant in a single flat note:

Oh Solstice Pole, Oh Solstice Pole
Oh there you stand just standing
Oh Solstice Pole, Oh Solstice Pole
you stand so straight and commanding
I feel no joy, I feel no hate
I feel neutral, while you stand so straight.
Oh Solstice Pole, Oh Solstice Pole
give me an order, I will comply.

Then, the chanting would end with a single subtle nod, and the family would all go to bed.

 Then, the father would command his children to go to bed.  And that's when he'd tell them the Solstice Tale, "It was the night preceding the Solstice Period" 

It was the night preceding the Solstice Period
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
without approval from the Committee

Random articles of clothing were hung
by the thought police microphones with care
paying attention not to block the camera
that watched us from there.

When all of the sudden there arose such a clatter
I ran to the window to see what was the matter
An impressively smart being stood transgendered in the crowd
I would have shown emotion
but that isn't allowed.

I watched it work as it evaluated my home
checking off items I placed there alone
with a blue glow, this being surveyed
it acknowledged my presence, and said in monotone

You have complied and you feel what's allowed.
I grant you permission to walk in the crowd.
And I watched it hover from out of sight
and it said to me
"Have an acceptable time, I acknowledge this night"

 The kids would hum one note, and would then receive their sleeping injections.

  The official colors of the Solstice Period were contemporary: Black and White, and should show no favor to any particular shape so as not to offend those who dislike certain shapes like triangles, squares, and the occasional octagon.  The Image Committee decided on Ovular items, since it was the average shape of a human head. If it were a sphere, it had to represent the globe. But if a globe is displayed by the solstice pole, it had to be spinning very quickly so it did not rest nor show favor to any particular country.

  Acceptable street-level greetings would be. "Remain Physically Healthy", "I acknowledge your presence", "Acceptable", simply humming a minor note, or a single spinning movement that must not resemble dancing. 

 The solstice period is now a period of time that can offend no one, nor show favor to nothing. Society decided it was better to appear neutral on these matters than to emotionally traumatize the 'people of spiritual melancholy', and face possible 'religious harassment' charges..which carry a heavier penalty and "shame-rate" as a second degree murderer.   Everyone now is happy...errr...I mean everyone feels that this arrangement is acceptable, and non offensive...and this is how the holiday season was allowed to prevail.

  Happy Nondenominal Winters Solstice Period to you and your family units.  Understand that rest is beneficial, and you must nourish yourselves.

  Chris

 

Cliques- and Life

A dear friend of mine today, (as we stood in the parking lot of Villa Bakery) made note that she was glad to see how well all of us grew up. She noticed that the cliques kind of dried up and that we all are cool years later.

I really couldn't help but agree. I thought about that all the way home. At our November 7th mini-reunion it was really great, and everyone was talking together like old friends and in some cases, like family.

I know that adult cliques and exclusivity exist. That usually boils down to the prestige people carry and the money they make (socioeconomics). But that's different.

We were talking about High School. In high school there were different types, gone unlabeled (here) because actually, the classic "Jock" "Princess" "nerd" "burnout" theories didn't necessarily apply to most specific individuals. There were simply the people "to be seen with", the people no one notices, and the ones to NOT be seen with.

If you thought back to which category you fell under in high school, did you boil it down to your own personality type? Did some of it boil down to your upbringing or parental pressure, maybe? A lot of it may have been interest-based, and so forth. But what the bottom line was, it brought on a sort of division as we became older kids.

As toddler-type kids, we played together..not being aware of any differences. Then, with every new taste of life's interesting features we learned how to SEE differences, we learned how to fit in somewhere right around grade 6. A few years later we acclimated ourselves to an image or niche, and became the jock, burn,nerd, princess, etc.

Another thing I learned about was that for some people, their high school years were either hell or happiness, based on where you got pigeon holed. MANY people you may not see at a class reunion because they remembered how cruel everyone was to them. The flip side was that there are people that were really popular, and had no fear of turning up somewhere with these people again.

Some people look back at their high-school years with indifference and distance, because they figure that was a long time ago, they are over it, and that they prefer to live in the today. While some (like myself) look back at my school years, especially my classmates with a high degree of fondness because I know I spent a lot of my formative years with a lot of these people. I see them as almost family, because they knew me when we were practically babies, and we know each other now: well into our 40's. I have memories of all of them. Many of them I outright love for those memories.

The thing is...popularity...cliques....27 years later, it all comes to mean nothing. Life did bring its balance: It humbled many of the popular, and boosted a lot of self-esteems for others; and in the end, what we are is a compilation of people with life experience. Some similar stories, some different. No one's better. No one's a loser, and "winner" is really relative. We know that riches don't always come down to a high grade point, money, the house and job we have...but the love we gave and received. Our families. Our babies first cries. The way our husbands or wives looked on the alter. The thoughts and emotions we will take with us til our very last days. Our lives make us rich, not our images, and not our things. When you are 46, you really realize that (in the end) popularity is an illusion..kind of like a hologram.

I was so happy on November 7th, because every damn person that was there was an awesome, friendly, and interesting person. They all carry with them the stories and lives that made them the characters they are now. They now have so much more from living than popularity could ever give them, and at last: we are all rich.