Living with ADHD - Further realizations after 2+ years
I was thinking about how my life had panned out up until this point, and about how much having ADHD has affected my life.
What got me to thinking about that is that a friend of mine (recently) said one of the many ignorant buzz phrases to me. He did not mean me harm, in fact, he respects me and is a good friend.
He said, "I always knew that about you." Referring to me having ADHD. Believe it or not, I have heard that no less than a dozen times from some friends and family. Now, if the person isn't going to tell you that they think you have ADHD; If the person isn't going to ask if you've been checked for ADHD......it bears asking if they really knew that about you or did they just say that to appear in tune with you and your troubles?
It's the same thing as the person who has never lost a loved one telling another person who lost a family member, "I know how you feel....." They mean well, but the words don't help at all and at times illustrate their ignorance about your situation.
"I always knew that about you..." Thats a phrase that (among the many others) not only displays a lack of any real understanding, it sort of trivializes the condition and detaches YOUR own involvement with your own condition. It's like saying, "I knew it, why didn't you?"
The problem is that we don't always realize we have it. THATS what took me so long. It's hard to explain to people the frustration and anguish you feel when you discover you've had ADHD your whole life and didn't know it. Nor is it easy to explain to people the helplessness you feel about all of those years having gone by, and how they could have been different...if you only knew you had it.....and that it is a REAL legitimate condition.
My not knowing came from a complete lack of understanding about ADHD. Had it not been for my daughters mother taking her to a psychiatrist and having it diagnosed, in addition to seeing REAL positive results from my daughter having the proper meds.....I may never have pursued the possibility with my own self.
So.... I had a life of things like:
"Earth to Chriiiiisssss....helloooooooo" with people waving their hands rudely in my face.
At work: "Chris? Did you hear what we were just talking about?" and other colleagues snickering with each other about how dumb and oblivious I appeared.
Or people rolling their eyes and laughing with each other about the fact that you seemed out of it and didn't realize they were just making fun of you until you saw them laughing.
Or people straight out hollering at you like a child when you didn't hear them addressing you the first couple of times.
When I was in third grade they put me in the special education class - and I wasn't removed until they discovered that I was spelling 7th grade level. (I was inspired deeply by Karen Moody's reading skills) They tried to tell my parents that I may need to be medicated, to wit my father said, "Bullshit: he just needs to pay attention"...and so it was onwardly so.
At work I was hardly ever given any assignments of any crucial importance or promoted beyond a certain point because it was easy for my employers to see that I was blowing assignments, missing important details, being late in turning in assignments and at times adversely affecting the outcome of my duties, as well as other peoples duties.
As much as it hurts me to acknowledge it, word did travel throughout my department that I (basically) wasn't a real dependable worker and I would serve years in a department that really didn't respect me. They may have kept me on because some liked me.....or because I am funny or nice....but not because I was particularly valuable. In fact, they thought I was dumb and I could tell every single day.
When I was in high school, when I was handed the SAT tests in the auditorium I was so overwhelmed by the amount of writing and words on the paper that I did not take it seriously and chose to make "connect-the-dot" pictures with the fill-in / shading circles....having not answered a single question on the test. It made me feel better, and I knew I was going to join the Navy anyways.
Why was I joining the Navy? Not only because my brother Cory was in the Navy and I idolize him.....but because I knew the Navy would give me my every order and not require much writing from me.
People with ADHD use their own personalities and strengths strategically (and very skillfully) to cover for (or diverge) people from noticing their difficulties. Mine was sense of humor. As life went on, and as people laughed at me, I found a way to use their laughing constructively and wanted to make them laugh; which is a positive interaction for someone who can't do anything about looking brighter. People like a person who can make them laugh.
And I lied. A lot. I had to. This was necessary just to hold my job, keep people liking and approving of me and to get by very hard situations. I lied a lot, and I hated myself a lot.
I always thought I was slow. Maybe slightly retarded. I always was a step behind the others. I always knew I wouldn't really succeed because there was only so much my brain could take and organize. I envied other people, the successful people because they were doing so much, taking on so much, and organizing and understanding so much that I got discouraged and was disgusted with myself for my incompetence.
My not knowing came from a complete lack of understanding about ADHD. Had it not been for my daughters mother taking her to a psychiatrist and having it diagnosed, in addition to seeing REAL positive results from my daughter having the proper meds.....I may never have pursued the possibility with my own self.
At times I felt so smart, because I academically comprehend so much and I have the ability to use information and reason to process information. I understand what I am able to listen to: but I would always blow it and devastate my own self by getting lost or losing so many pieces of important puzzles. I was also a very nervous and restless person, so pressure and stress made things so much worse that I would definitely blow big assignments or let people down. When people were disappointed with me my stress levels would go through the roof and concentration was all but impossible. My brain would freeze. It would shut off. I would freeze. All I could do was cry. Or stop. Or talk about something else. And I smoke,smoke,smoked! I smoked like a nervous little chimney.
How many times did I ask myself, "What the fuck is wrong with me?" "Why aren't other people losing like I lose?" "Why am I so irresponsible?"
I developed a keen ability to retain and keep the friendships of those who knew me for my whole life, or people who were safe from expecting very much from me. But, I was socially awkward in that I detested the idea of creating new friendships. I had my 'safe people', and anyone new in my life was a another potentially disappointed or disgusted person. I laughed and joked. Stayed at arms length.......and because I forced myself to lie so much to people I am not comfortable, even to this day, with excessive eye contact. People use your eyes to search for sincerity.....so if in a conversation you are speaking to someone and you are making that painfully uncomfortable eye contact; you immediately feel judged, as if you are lying to people, (even when you aren't). More stress, heavier stressed breathing, internal shame and loads of discomfort. Lying or truthful, eye contact hurt.
I was good at sports, I was good at hand-eye coordinated activities, and I was good at sex and cooking because those are things I like and aren't too hard to carry out and can be potentially impressive to others. (everyone wins....) BUT....I would never be an Executive Chef, because there is very much expected of executive chefs. I did not have what it takes to remain that organized. I was smart enough, and I love food and cooking enough....but I would just blow it.
All rules to the person with ADHD are amended, whether you're telling all parties involved or not. Exactly everything you must do will be reorganized or recategorized to account for your shortcomings. Your whole day may be reorganized to make sure you do not mess up an important task. If it is a bad week for you: you call in sick because if you are not there, you can't mess things up. Calendar phones with reminder alarms became of VITAL importance and were necessary to keep you on track as far as time management is in concern. My phones have saved my life.
I have ruined so many relationships because I did so poorly with expectations. If I was a disappointment just waiting to happen for people, than I would surely not put myself in a position to look so bad or screw things up. In the process of having sexual needs and not wanting to hurt peoples feelings and not disappoint them, I made myself appear to be someone that I wasn't to a few people.
Following this, I had great excuses to get out of relationships when expectations started to occur or when the relationships looked like they may be going somewhere. I have hurt quite a few people. Not because I meant to, but because I didn't want to hurt them worse later. Unlike politicians, the approval I sought for myself came with mercy later on.
This was my life. When they told me I was "severe" in having ADHD, I wasn't surprised and also relieved to know I wasn't a loser because I was a bad person, but because I had a disability.
Thats the thing about ADHD: You are intelligent enough and reasonable enough to proceed through life with the rest of society. You appear normal, walk and talk normal and speak with intelligence, so the significance and reality of the condition gets reduced to a mild inconvenience that you should be easily conquering. : But it's a little like taking one of the outstanding olympic swimmers and expecting them to do as well with a 50lb bag of sugar strapped to their back. They are cognizant that they know how to swim. The fans heard they can swim. But in the end if that bag of sugar isn't cut off the swimmer will not get as far as they desperately needed, and the crowd leaves disappointed; critical of the swimmers lackluster performance.
People are relentless about it, that is, unless they have it. When a person you know finds out you have ADHD the whole time the reactions are varied, but nearly none with genuine understanding. When I told my manager that they discovered I have ADHD, and that I believe it explains why I had so much trouble through the years; She all but dismissed it, saying, "Ok - Well that does explain some things. But now we are looking to the future." The tone of voice and delivery telling me that we were going to ignore what I just found out, and exhibit no understanding of the past. No notations. No official acknowledgment. As if it's some sort of lightweight, insignificant fact. It was as if it were a mild snafu that really had no affect on my past.....
In your relief and profound empowerment in knowing you had this disability you want to tell people that you discovered one of the main causes for your life's difficulties: but because people have become comfortable (some almost dependent) in their disappointment with you, many will reduce the significance of your condition or deny it's importance to your past. They would rather keep you where they don't have to feel guilty for their past dickishness or be expected to extend understanding when it has been so vital to have you in the inferior state, where they felt so superior.
One person said, "Eh.....everyone has ADHD in some way...." As if you are still the only loser who hasn't mastered or learned to control it. Those are your assholes by the way. Wanna soap windows? Throw eggs at cars and houses? It's okay to do theirs. Go on..... do it now. This page will still be open when you come back.
Any person who says "everyone has ADD..." is a person who has no understanding of it, and most likely never will.
To them; In order for someone to have a legitimate disability it has to be apparent from their physical appearance or your words have to sound mentally challenged. This is the hard part that causes the ignorance of others....because it isn't obvious to them. But let them live one week in your head. Let them struggle like you do on a daily basis for just one month, and watch how fast they get their change of paradigm. They'd become the champions of the ADHD cause and they would never want to return to that again.
Folks: Google ADHD or ADD and learn about it. If you know of someone...especially a child who exhibits the signs of ADHD, have them checked. Many have it, so they aren't alone. Granted; the condition exists and rears its ugly head, even to those who are treating it; but life can be so much better and go profoundly easier for that person, especially if armed with the information they can use to improve their lives. I wish......I wish so much. I wish my parents took it seriously and weren't so skeptical. I wish I knew earlier. I'll always wonder how my life could have been.
And never.......NEVER laugh at the person in school or in the office that seems to be slow or a few steps behind; they may just be more intelligent and resilient than you are. Instead - be a good samaritan and see what you can do to help. That could be the most important help they have ever received.
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