The Silent Brass Band

This was a time I looked forward to since 1994. For the past couple of months, child support is over since both of my daughters are 18+ years old.

In 1994...my girls were both day care aged: I was paying almost $ 1,000 per month in support and day care expenses. What would ensue was a remaining income so low that I would live in 5 different spare rooms or basements in a 6 year time span (plus a whole summer sleeping in my car).... The credit report when to crap, debts never went away. Having to work different jobs to stay afloat...and setting up ideal and safe circumstances to spend the weekend with my daughters. My average night of sleep was 5 hours. This was what our so called "Family" law system deemed acceptable for the welfare of the children. A destitute and financially disabled father, living in someone's spare room or sleeping on a couch in a basement as a place for the kids to come visit. (by the way...this is by no means a cut on the places...and the people who gave me this shelter, I am forever in your debt. You gave us a place to be. This is more of a statement about the system)

I avoided bankruptcy...built myself back up as the child support amount decreased by 50 here...50 there....until I got where I am right now: a decent credit score, no bankruptcy's, and I'm finally (at the age of 46) looking for my first house!

Now, if you think think this post is about me and my struggles, it is not. It starts the way it did because in 1995 or so...when I was my lowest, when I was my most frightened and when I genuinely thought I was going to be homeless, I said:

"When all of this is over, I'm going to throw the biggest party ever."

Now...2010: Both of my girls are college aged kids. And believe it or not, I find myself missing the 90's...I miss those years when they were growing up, and visiting me. Granted, the locations for the visits weren't good locations, but it all disappeared when I was alone with them. Many of my greatest memories took place in those spare rooms or basements, or the McDonalds play land....or the parks outside...in the bed with them telling the stories and all of those things we DID have brought on the most beautiful memories.

Sure..these memories would certainly be enhanced if I had a house of my own, or a stable environment: But those are not my memories, they aren't mine. The one's I have are, and I wouldn't replace them for a million dollars. Some of my hardest and most desperate times were in that era....but also too were some of my most beautiful memories; the kinds that defined my life.

So...there was no party. I didn't hire a brass band and start soaking watermelons in vodka. I didn't hire a DJ, and put out a beautiful food spread. There is no real elation, and I don't feel any more 'free' than I did before. I mean, sure...the extra money is going to reinforce my retirement and I'll definitely put it to practical use: But now that I am at this point, I see that all the time, even at the worst, it was proven that money isn't everything. The memories and my life with them stand out with much more prominence than the lack of income, and what I was going through.

The important thing is, that BECAUSE of that, I now sit back and savor my daughters love, and enjoy the relationship with them that we all three built together over those years. Somehow, God finds a way to give even when you feel like he isn't.