Life with A.D.H.D. - By Chris Painter

Living with ADHD - Further realizations after 2+ years

   I was thinking about how my life had panned out up until this point, and about how much having ADHD has affected my life.

   What got me to thinking about that is that a friend of mine (recently) said one of the many ignorant buzz phrases to me. He did not mean me harm, in fact, he respects me and is a good friend. 

     He said, "I always knew that about you."  Referring to me having ADHD.  Believe it or not, I have heard that no less than a dozen times from some friends and family.  Now, if the person isn't going to tell you that they think you have ADHD; If the person isn't going to ask if you've been checked for ADHD......it bears asking if they really knew that about you or did they just say that to appear in tune with you and your troubles? 

  It's the same thing as the person who has never lost a loved one telling another person who lost a family member, "I know how you feel....."  They mean well, but the words don't help at all and at times illustrate their ignorance about your situation.

  "I always knew that about you..."  Thats a phrase that (among the many others) not only displays a lack of any real understanding, it sort of trivializes the condition and detaches YOUR own involvement with your own condition.  It's like saying, "I knew it, why didn't you?"

   The problem is that we don't always realize we have it.  THATS what took me so long.  It's hard to explain to people the frustration and anguish you feel when you discover you've had ADHD your whole life and didn't know it. Nor is it easy to explain to people the helplessness you feel about all of those years having gone by, and how they could have been different...if you only knew you had it.....and that it is a REAL legitimate condition.

    My not knowing came from a complete lack of understanding about ADHD.  Had it not been for my daughters mother taking her to a psychiatrist and having it diagnosed, in addition to seeing REAL positive results from my daughter having the proper meds.....I may never have pursued the possibility with my own self.

   So.... I had a life of things like:

  "Earth to Chriiiiisssss....helloooooooo" with people waving their hands rudely in my face.

  At work: "Chris? Did you hear what we were just talking about?" and other colleagues snickering with each other about how dumb and oblivious I appeared.  

Or people rolling their eyes and laughing with each other about the fact that you seemed out of it and didn't realize they were just making fun of you until you saw them laughing.

 Or people straight out hollering at you like a child when you didn't hear them addressing you the first couple of times.

  When I was in third grade they put me in the special education class - and I wasn't removed until they discovered that I was spelling 7th grade level. (I was inspired deeply by Karen Moody's reading skills) They tried to tell my parents that I may need to be medicated, to wit my father said, "Bullshit: he just needs to pay attention"...and so it was onwardly so.

       At work I was hardly ever given any assignments of any crucial importance or promoted beyond a certain point because it was easy for my employers to see that I was blowing assignments, missing important details, being late in turning in assignments and at times adversely affecting the outcome of my duties, as well as other peoples duties.  

As much as it hurts me to acknowledge it,  word did travel throughout my department that I (basically) wasn't a real dependable worker and I would serve years in a department that really didn't respect me. They may have kept me on because some liked me.....or because I am funny or nice....but not because I was particularly valuable.  In fact, they thought I was dumb and I could tell every single day.

  When I was in high school, when I was handed the SAT tests in the auditorium I was so overwhelmed by the amount of writing and words on the paper that I did not take it seriously  and chose to make "connect-the-dot" pictures with the fill-in / shading circles....having not answered a single question on the test.  It made me feel better, and I knew I was going to join the Navy anyways.

  Why was I joining the Navy? Not only because my brother Cory was in the Navy and I idolize him.....but because I knew the Navy would give me my every order and not require much writing from me. 

  People with ADHD use their own personalities and strengths strategically (and very skillfully) to cover for (or diverge) people from noticing their difficulties.   Mine was sense of humor. As life went on, and as people laughed at me, I found a way to use their laughing constructively and wanted to make them laugh; which is a positive interaction for someone who can't do anything about looking brighter.     People like a person who can make them laugh.

  And I lied.   A lot.    I had to.      This was necessary just to hold my job, keep people liking and approving of me and to get by very hard situations. I lied a lot, and I hated myself a lot. 

  I always thought I was slow. Maybe slightly retarded. I always was a step behind the others. I always knew I wouldn't really succeed because there was only so much my brain could take and organize.   I envied other people, the successful people because they were doing so much, taking on so much, and organizing and understanding so much that I got discouraged and was disgusted with myself for my incompetence. 

My not knowing came from a complete lack of understanding about ADHD.  Had it not been for my daughters mother taking her to a psychiatrist and having it diagnosed, in addition to seeing REAL positive results from my daughter having the proper meds.....I may never have pursued the possibility with my own self.

  At times I felt so smart, because I academically comprehend so much and I have the ability to use information and reason to process information. I understand what I am able to listen to:  but I would always blow it and devastate my own self by getting lost or losing so many pieces of important puzzles.  I was also a very nervous and restless person, so pressure and stress made things so much worse that I would definitely blow big assignments or let people down.  When people were disappointed with me my stress levels would go through the roof and concentration was all but impossible.  My brain would freeze. It would shut off. I would freeze. All I could do was cry. Or stop.  Or talk about something else. And I smoke,smoke,smoked! I smoked like a nervous little chimney. 

  How many times did I ask myself, "What the fuck is wrong with me?"  "Why aren't other people losing like I lose?" "Why am I so irresponsible?"


  I developed a keen ability to retain and keep the friendships of those who knew me for my whole life, or people who were safe from expecting very much from me.  But, I was socially awkward in that I detested the idea of creating new friendships.  I had my 'safe people', and anyone new in my life was a another potentially disappointed or disgusted person.  I laughed and joked.  Stayed at arms length.......and because I forced myself to lie so much to people I am not comfortable, even to this day, with excessive eye contact.  People use your eyes to search for sincerity.....so if in a conversation you are speaking to someone and you are making that painfully uncomfortable eye contact; you immediately feel judged, as if you are lying to people, (even when you aren't).  More stress, heavier stressed breathing, internal shame and loads of discomfort. Lying or truthful, eye contact hurt.

  I was good at sports, I was good at hand-eye coordinated activities, and I was good at sex and cooking because those are things I like and aren't too hard to carry out and can be potentially impressive to others. (everyone wins....)   BUT....I would never be an Executive Chef, because there is very much expected of executive chefs. I did not have what it takes to remain that organized. I was smart enough, and I love food and cooking enough....but I would just blow it.

   All rules to the person with ADHD are amended, whether you're telling all parties involved or not.  Exactly everything you must do will be reorganized or recategorized to account for your shortcomings. Your whole day may be reorganized to make sure you do not mess up an important task.  If it is a bad week for you: you call in sick because if you are not there, you can't mess things up.   Calendar phones with reminder alarms became of VITAL importance and were necessary to keep you on track as far as time management is in concern. My phones have saved my life.

  I have ruined so many relationships because I did so poorly with expectations. If I was a disappointment just waiting to happen for people, than  I would surely not put myself in a position to look so bad or screw things up.  In the process of having sexual needs and not wanting to hurt peoples feelings and not disappoint them, I made myself appear to be someone that I wasn't to a few people. 

Following this, I had great excuses to get out of relationships when expectations started to occur or when the relationships looked like they may be going somewhere.  I have hurt quite a few people. Not because I meant to, but because I didn't want to hurt them worse later.    Unlike politicians, the approval I sought for myself came with mercy later on.

  This was my life.  When they told me I was "severe" in having ADHD, I wasn't surprised and also relieved to know I wasn't a loser because I was a bad person, but because I had a disability. 

  Thats the thing about ADHD:  You are intelligent enough and reasonable enough to proceed through life with the rest of society.  You appear normal, walk and talk normal and speak with intelligence, so the significance and reality of the condition gets reduced to a mild inconvenience that you should be easily conquering. :     But it's a little like taking one of the outstanding olympic swimmers and expecting them to do as well with a 50lb bag of sugar strapped to their back.  They are cognizant that they know how to swim. The fans heard they can swim. But in the end if that bag of sugar isn't cut off the swimmer will not get as far as they desperately needed, and the crowd leaves disappointed; critical of the swimmers lackluster performance.  

   People are relentless about it, that is, unless they have it.   When a person you know finds out you have ADHD the whole time the reactions are varied, but nearly none with genuine understanding. When I told my manager that they discovered I have ADHD, and that I believe it explains why I had so much trouble through the years;   She all but dismissed it, saying, "Ok - Well that does explain some things. But now we are looking to the future."  The tone of voice and delivery telling me that we were going to ignore what I just found out, and exhibit no understanding of the past. No notations. No official acknowledgment.  As if it's some sort of lightweight, insignificant fact.  It was as if it were a mild snafu that really had no affect on my past.....

   In your relief and profound empowerment in knowing you had this disability you want to tell people that you discovered one of the main causes for your life's difficulties: but because people have become comfortable (some almost dependent) in their disappointment with you, many will reduce the significance of your condition or deny it's importance to your past.  They would rather keep you where they don't have to feel guilty for their past dickishness or be expected to extend understanding when it has been so vital to have you in the inferior state, where they felt so superior.  

  One person said, "Eh.....everyone has ADHD in some way...."  As if you are still the only loser who hasn't mastered or learned to control it.  Those are your assholes by the way.  Wanna soap windows? Throw eggs at cars and houses?    It's okay to do theirs.  Go on..... do it now. This page will still be open when you come back.

  Any person who says "everyone has ADD..." is a person who has no understanding of it, and most likely never will. 

To them; In order for someone to have a legitimate disability it has to be apparent from their physical appearance or your words have to sound mentally challenged.   This is the hard part that causes the ignorance of others....because it isn't obvious to them.  But let them live one week in your head.  Let them struggle like you do on a daily basis for just one month, and watch how fast they get their change of paradigm.  They'd become the champions of the ADHD cause and they would never want to return to that again.

  
  Folks: Google ADHD or ADD and learn about it.  If you know of someone...especially a child who exhibits the signs of ADHD, have them checked.  Many have it, so they aren't alone.  Granted; the condition exists and rears its ugly head, even to those who are treating it; but life can be so much better and go profoundly easier for that person, especially if armed with the information they can use to improve their lives. I wish......I wish so much. I wish my parents took it seriously and weren't so skeptical. I wish I knew earlier.   I'll always wonder how my life could have been.

  And never.......NEVER laugh at the person in school or in the office that seems to be slow or a few steps behind; they may just be more intelligent and resilient than you are.  Instead - be a good samaritan and see what you can do to help. That could be the most important help they have ever received.



   






  
   

    









   

The Poison Man

Without getting too specific about the information supporting my personal views....... I associate with a man that I have decided is probably the most negative and self defeated man that I have met in years. I truly listened to him talk about how life has been bad to him, from financial woes to all of the "what if's" we all catch ourselves saying from time to time. I can't pretend to know what it would be like to be in a perpetually depressed state of mind, so I don't really want to judge.
However...as he speaks, and as I interact with him from time to time I realize more and more that this man is perhaps the most volatile ball of anger and sheer wanting that I have seen in years. This man has got to be the angriest, the most bitter and nasty man I've met. Most people would think of him as simply an asshole. Nothing is fun. Nothing comes from a positive perspective. So I want to be understanding. I try to look beyond what I hear. But then I see that his anger makes ME angry. WHY? What is to me? Why does HIS anger get to me?
And then I realized it's because I'm watching a man stupidly waste his life brooding all of the things he didn't have, yet could have had....and THATS from MY paradigm; I see him living out his life every single day as if he's pissed about what happened in his life and it's the fault of life, itself. The negatives in life are bad enough and harsh enough. The dark side of life isn't as forgiving and could care less if you'd rather have everything be ideal in your life. And what of these "what if's?" I think of things (some times) that make me evaluate where I am and how I got here. I think of, "If I studied this in college instead" and "If I did this with my money.." and all of the things we all tend to think. But I also realize that that wasn't a life I was supposed to have, and making myself sick over what I don't have is a sort of disease. It's a disease of the soul. Besides, I love how I got where I am. I am who I am because of life. Sure, it wasn't always great...but it was mine.. So I find myself wanting to feel sorry for him, and talk to him and reaching out so he can value what he does have.
But then I see that he makes snide comments and openly mocks people that have happier relationships. He greets news of his acquaintances success' and happy news with rhetorical skepticism and venom. No one else must be happy, and he must drive down even the people in his own surroundings (with no shame) so that he is not alone in that pathetic cloud of misery. There are a lot of people in completely destitute conditions, famished and without their health. There are people starving and diseased. Some without the clothes he has, or the food he has, or the car he drives. Yet still he leaves a trail of anger and depression in his wake, for others to feel.
The verdicts out. A person can stop themselves from being evil in the face of what befell them. It would be one thing if he was sad about his life and feels sorry for himself, but his anger and jealousy have gone far beyond self woe and has become an attempt to poison others. To bring gloom upon others for not having felt his own. In my opinion, it may be sad....but it's unforgivable on many levels. VERDICT: He is a dick. The difference between anger that you feel, and anger that has an effect on others is Hitler. Call Godwin's if you want on that smidgen of hyperbole....but the point is made: If anger is so bad that others must not be allowed to enjoy their happiness...it has become an attack. I will not associate freely with dicks. Life is ONCE. Life is now. Mine will never be spent like that; rich or poor, healthy or sick. I will love this life.

New Chevrolet Corvette ZR1 2012 Takes on Nurburgring

I do so like BOTH, the Chevrolet Corvette ZR1 ....AND... My dream would be to drive the Nurburgring. This is all in one bit!

The guy with A.D.H.D. - from discovery onward. Another thing to monitor

Well. How do I put this?

For years...from my school years into my 48th year....I felt different. Growing up I didn't seem to 'have' what the other kids had. By 'have' I don't mean stuff or clothes or something, I mean all around cognizance. When I was little I didn't know why I seemed dumber than the other kids. I didn't know why they were all on page 22, and I was still on 10. I was embarrassed when I was put into the slow kids class, and had to do kindergarten twice.

Even older, when other kids were talking I didn't know what they were even talking about. I would open a book and see dreadful amounts of work...would freeze up....and ignore it.

My father called me a lazy sonofabitch. When the teacher of the slow kids class suggested I have attention problems and a learning disability, my parents didn't take me to a doctor, they told me there wasn't anything wrong with me and to just pay attention.

So on I went, for another 40 years...for a series of faking and failures that would comprise the life of a man with ADHD, who would do nothing about it until I was 48.

I'm keeping a journal of certain events, from which I will extract excerpts and file them in here; with the hope that my story motivates those who are more-less afraid or in doubt of their cognizance to get help.

I can't profess to be an expert on this...I am just getting 1 week started, and I may face a series of meds and trials to get where I should be; but take this as a starting point. My next post will take last weeks entries in my journal and give a glimpse at progress as I make it, and my feelings as I do so. Maybe someone will have felt exactly what I felt.

Until then.

Ok. About Penn State and Joe Paterno

I'm not afraid to say it, so here it goes...

The reason Penn State didn't fire that guy who molested those young boys is because it was a homosexual issue. I work at a major (collegiate) institution, and I know at that time when they were trying to shove homosexuality and anti- homophobism down our throats, they could not have some thing like that going public and serving as any sort or indictment against homosexuality. You see, the colleges are pushing the all-accepting, progressive institutions look. Bad press would be the worst thing that could possibly happen to them.....and if that means they sandbag doing the right thing for this boy and sweeping it under the rug....that's what they'll do if going public with it is going to embarrass them. Chances are they probably threatened Joe Paterno through vague but unmistakable innuendo to be quiet.

Now I'm not saying the situation is an indictment against homosexuality because it isn't. But colleges are shamelessly evil behind closed doors. Their number 1 position in our society is not to serve society by educating our youth, that's just the biproduct. Their number one purpose is tuition dollars...to serve themselves. Somewhere along the way, colleges stopped being institutions of higher learning, and became corporations. The "progressive" place I work at would sooner kill an innocent person that allow bad press which could potentially be bad for business. That may seem like a stretch, but when you consider all of the things I've witnessed over the course of 25 years, it is not an entirely ridiculous thought.
Let's put it this way: Being a male manager with college students working for me, I am in a quite dangerous position by way of just simple human nature. Part of my job involves having to reprimand and terminate people. I'm a boss with over 250 employees, so that's a given.
All it takes is terminating a female with a chip on her shoulder: if she so chooses to "say" I sexually harassed her, and I'd be gone. It wouldn't matter if I didn't, it wouldn't matter if she could not prove it....it wouldn't matter if it would be obvious that she was reacting to a reprimand, I would be goner than gone. Why? Because the University could not risk looking like an "uncaring" place by not acting on behalf of an alleged victim. It'd be easier for people to believe a male would do that and they could preserve their reputation for upholding justice on behalf of poor poor women by getting rid of the evil perpetrator....by giving the lib press what they would love to see. And with a legal department that has very long purse strings and (probably) the most powerful legal authority outside the state government itself, they would know how to put down any reasonable doubt defenses should the REAL victim in the situation choose to litigate the decision to terminate.
Social progression has been a cash cow for colleges and the media for years......

Otherwise....WHY wasn't anything done with the situation when it happened? Why was it swept under the rug for all of these years?

Penn State, like any other university has chosen their sacrificial lambs. They (mostly) avoided standing in an unfavorable light and they gave the media what they would want to see....they fed the dogs.

So I'm not as quick as others to indict Joe Pa for this one, because my belief was that they told him he knows nothing, or he'll be in the unemployment line. I think there's a sh*tload more to this than the media wants us to know, and so much more than the board of trustees is willing to release. After all, they can't be firing themselves, can they?

ILLEGALS: I'm weighing in

Me weighing in on recent immigration activity:

This should be short: Word has it that Arizona’s Governor is proposing that all immigrants carry documents to be able to prove their citizenship status at all times. Okay…I think she’s getting a little carried away. Because “immigrants” would stop at people who are Mexican-looking…and it’d most likely mean that Mexican-looking people could potentially go through a hell that most others won’t have to go through. That’s not right. That’s not fair. I think she should think of something else.

However, I think that should a person (who was pulled over, or whatever) is DISCOVERED to be an illegal::: the deportation process should begin immediately. They are here illegally, and the police should act as soon as humanly possible. I also think that people that are pulled over with no valid means of identification or a social security number should be detained, pending the verification of their legal status. And why not? If I go into Canada, and try to come back to the U.S. without proof…will I not be detained? I sure will and I certainly better be!

Some of the arguments posed on behalf of illegals detail how underhanded and sinister Arizona’s Governor and Sheriff are…but are we forgetting that they are acting against people who were underhanded enough to sneak over here? Did you know your hard-earned tax money is going into all of these dealings with illegal people being here, and whether or not the dealings are in their favor…YOU are paying for these dealings? It doesn’t have anything to do with “fairness” or “hate”..because they dishonestly got here and broke the law in doing so. They shouldn’t have the same rights you do. We should treat them humanely…as we swiftly identify and deport. This goes without mentioning trying to create special programs that benefit them. Why the fuck would we try to benefit them?

So…even though I think that the legislation of expecting everyone to carry papers is not very well thought…I am certainly not in the lib camp when it comes to (somehow) embracing illegals. Lets not attend the rock concerts dedicated to loving those illegals: Lets not try to make them look like poor unfortunate innocents. They were dishonest, and snuck into your country. They compromised national security by defying our borders and authority. So put your wallets back and turn them in.

And let’s make VERY damn sure we separate the concepts “illegal” and “immigrant”. Or by POLITICIZING it by calling them “undocumented immigrants”. If they are illegal, they are not (by any means) an immigrant. They are either an immigrant, or they are here illegally. I’d prefer we didn’t give them any sort of deceptively preferential status by calling them any sort of immigrant. We should call them intruders..and we should act accordingly. Trying to be nice with regard to people who are here illegally is going to open the doors for us, to being eaten and defeated from within by the very people we were sucking up to. Some sort of integrity and control has to occur in there somewhere. If someone sneaks into the country and gets discovered…I don’t want to have to pay for his college and give him tax breaks for his business… oh holy shit…don’t get me started on that, either…. But I will say we shouldn’t be blowing these people…we should be bouncing them.

Well…I guess it wasn’t so short.

The Chapter 3.

Chapter 2 Ends…and so ends that chapter that came to define who I am this day. The fear is over, the joys of my children continue but their childhood is over, my homelessness is over, and all devastation and growing pain is over. I now know who I am…I know who is important to me…I love deeply and I enjoy the little things: I’m sitting back in my chair and I’m now wearing my glasses:

Now begin chapter 3.

This is the chapter where I begin living as I wish. Many people refer to ‘struggles’ as the day to day….the trying to get by, and meeting another day to see new challenges and defeating the recurring demons of life. Everyone has these struggles, don’t they? I’ll always have a mortgage payment, a little debt…grass to cut…jerks at work…etc… but how I meet the day-to-day has changed. So much so that it’s time to start Chapter 3. In this chapter, I am joined and I also can LOVE as I wish. Struggles are now with my lover holding my hand and I no longer have to feel alone. My home is a sanctuary where everything is nice, and my lady is the pillow in which I lay my head, and the shoulder on which I’ll cry. I am also that for her, with all of my heart. My friend, my lady, and my buddy. Somehow, my day-to-day has gotten more fulfilling and more exciting. I love life now…and I thank God for her. THIS is what I have missed for years. In this chapter, I will truly live…and it will be in this chapter that I die. There’s nowhere to go from here but heaven itself.